I honestly am so lost. I always romanticized how amazing life would be after college, and life is not living up to those idealized expectations I’ve had for years. The worst part about all of this is that all of my friends have their lives in order. Two are going off to graduate programs for the next 3-5 years, one is already a homeowner, another is in med school, another moved in with her boyfriend and has a steady job, and I’m….sitting on my couch eating Chipotle for the third time this week (do. not. judge.). I’m not jealous or upset with them. I’m super happy for them actually. I mean, my friends are super smart and successful women! Hell yeah!!!!
It’s so easy for me to compare myself to my friends, and it just sucks always being the friend that is lagging behind in success. I know, I know, success can’t be measured blah blah blah. But yes it can. It sucks being the one friend that has no clue what she wants to do with her life while everyone else is literally thriving. What makes it all worse is that I am in sole control of how I succeed or fail. I’m responsible for everything. So me lagging behind my friends is a glaring reflection on me, on my laziness.
I’m paralyzed by my fears and anxieties and insecurities. It’s no excuse, but I haven’t applied to any jobs yet. It’s almost like if I ignore it long enough it’ll go away but of fucking course it won’t. I keep swiping the debit card and ignoring the bank statement. I keep going to my current job and ignoring that I have to be gone by the end of this month. I keep going on reading books instead of filling out applications.
It doesn’t help that all of the jobs I’m applying to I don’t want in the first place. But what do I want? And I don’t know the answer to that, which makes me not wanting these jobs seem ridiculous. If I don’t know what I want, then how do I know I don’t want these jobs? These are the relentless thoughts that go through my head every day. They’re worse, if I’m being honest, but I won’t call myself a loser and other horrible names on my own blog.
It’s gotten to the point where I don’t want to see my friends. If I see them I’m reminded of the weight I’ve gained since starting college, their successful lives, their amazing friendships and relationships with others. I always compare and I always come out looking pathetic next to them. I know I’m being really harsh on myself but it’s the truth…. I can’t bear to face them in all of their gloriousness so I just don’t respond sometimes or I make up tons of excuses on why I can’t get dinner with them. I’m a lousy friend but if I admit all of this stuff to them they’ll try to make me feel better and it’ll just be humiliating.
It’s now or never. I know I can’t keep ignoring these responsibilities forever. I can’t keep ignoring my friendships and relationships with people. I can’t keep comparing myself to others or else I will drive myself insane. I just need to take a deep breath, hold it, release, and move forward, one baby step at a time.
Montana's Musings 